A Review of the Master Cleanse: Day 2

I started the Master Cleanse yesterday. To all you uninitiated, that's where you drink cayenne pepper-maple syrup lemonade for ten days straight. It's what all the Hollywood types do to lose weight after babies and before movies.

Me? I've been hip to the MC since my slacker days of '01. I used to work at a GNC in a strip mall. There were tons of wacky diet and holistic medicine pamphlets in our dollar bin. The Master Cleanse pamphlet was by far the most entertaining, with "All About Bowels" and "The Wonders of Lechitin" vying for close seconds.

The reason "The Master Cleanse" by Stanley Burroughs was so funny was because of how gung-ho and excited he was about fasting. It gave the impression that the guy didn't think much of food in the first place. Unfortunately, I don't have the pamphlet anymore, so I can't pull any direct quotes out of it. This is one of those times when you're telling a story about something so god damned funny that happened but everybody just looks at you with dull, glazed over eyes and you stop laughing and say, "Er...I guess you just had to be there."

So, yeah, you just had to be there. And now, eight years gone, I'm actually attempting to do the Master Cleanse.

Yesterday was hell. Which is funny, because I often go through entire days without eating--just because I'm busy or not thinking about it. However, when you can't eat for a reason, it becomes all that you can think about. Also, the lack of coffee and other such stimulants only added to my insane hunger pangs. When I got home from work, I took a hot bath, drank some more lemonade and fell asleep at 8pm. This morning, I woke up at 9am and drank a liter of salt water. It's now 11am and I feel, well, pretty crappy.

I've been able to juice detox for one to three days with fairly good results in the past. But I'm not feeling this whole maple syrup lemonade thing. I understand that the first few days are the most difficult with any kind of detox, but I don't really understand why drinking maple syrup and lemon juice so much better for you than doing carrot or pineapple juice.

Therefore, I give the master cleanse a thumbs down.

But, then again, maybe it's just the morning's salt water flush talking.